


Unexpected

by AppleSeeds



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Aziraphale is Patient (Good Omens), Crowley is So Done (Good Omens), M/M, Meet-Cute, Twitter made me do it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28599180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleSeeds/pseuds/AppleSeeds
Summary: Crowley gets into a fight with an uncooperative self-service checkout machine in a supermarket. Fortunately, there's a lovely man behind him in the queue who offers to help.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 53
Kudos: 243
Collections: GO Meet-Cutes, Good Omens Human AUs





	Unexpected

**Author's Note:**

> I can't even remember how this came up, but I blame Twitter for this silly little meet-cute!

Crowley dropped his basket onto the shelf next to the self-service checkout machine and shoved his sunglasses up with the back of his hand so that he could rub his eyes. Nearly there... Nearly time to go home, to finally be alone and to be able to shut out the world. Crowley’s reusable organic cotton shopping bag was scrunched up in his pocket, so he yanked it out and dropped it unceremoniously onto the packing area beside the till.

_“Unexpected item in bagging area.”_

“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” Crowley growled, leaning in close to the machine and keeping his voice low. “Do you mean my _bag_ by any chance? You find my _bag_ unexpected in the _bagging_ area? What else was I going to put there, an _aardvark_?” Crowley scrunched his eyes closed. He just wanted to go home.

_“Unexpected item in bagging area.”_

Crowley scowled and snatched his bag off the shiny metallic surface and shoved it back in his pocket. So, apparently he was supposed to scan everything and then pick each item up again to put it in his bag. Weren’t these machines supposed to be _more_ efficient, help him actually get out of here more quickly? He should have just joined the queue to be served by an actual human.

Crowley scanned his first item, a bottle of Talisker, and placed it down on the shelf. He had plans to crack that open almost as soon as he stepped through the door into his flat. The till beeped, but an amber light started blinking above Crowley’s head. _Now what?_

_Age verification required_ was displayed on the screen. Crowley rolled his eyes and started shifting his weight between his feet, turning around and glaring at one of the shop assistants until they came over, took a very quick look at him, and scanned their card against the machine to confirm he was indeed over 18. _For fuck’s sake..._

Next were his three apples. He placed them down on the weighing scales built into the machine, and they started rolling off it in different directions. Crowley only had two hands to catch them, but he did manage to use his elbow to block the third one from escaping.

“Can you _please_ just...” he sighed heavily, hovering his hands over the apples until he was confident they would stay put. He _could_ have put them in his reusable mesh produce bag (Crowley had reusable everything, because _dolphins_ ), but then he would have had to weigh the bag too, which would mean he would have to pay more, which hardly seemed a fair reward for trying to be environmentally conscious.

Crowley stabbed at the touchscreen of the till, having to navigate though far too many screens trying to find what he wanted, confronted with everything from pomegranates to pains au chocolat. You would think the items would be in logical categories, or alphabetical order, or even both, now wouldn’t that be something... but they weren’t.

“They’re _apples_. They’re just fucking _apples_ , how hard can it possibly be?”

Eventually Crowley found the option, and the apples were weighed and ready to put in the bag. Crowley scooped them up into his mesh produce bag and placed it in the bagging area.

_“Weight discrepancy in bagging area.”_

Now a red light started flashing above the till and Crowley groaned.

“It’s a mesh produce bag for fuck’s sake! Is it really bothering you that much? _Really_? Fine!”

Crowley grabbed the produce bag and turned it upside down so that the apples fell loose onto the packing surface, and the infuriating red light stopped flashing, that is, until one of the apples inevitably rolled off onto the floor.

_“Please return item to bagging area.”_

“Now you listen to me! You know full well that the item would still be _in_ the bagging area if you’d let me use my fucking _bag_ in the _bagging area_!”

Crowley clenched his teeth and bent down to pick up the apple, placing it delicately back in position next to the others and giving the machine a sarcastic sneer.

“Happy now, your highness?”

The machine didn’t respond, so Crowley took the next item out of his basket, a packet of parsley seeds. He was planning to start a miniature herb garden on his kitchen windowsill, and after the day he’d had, this seemed like a good time to start it. He certainly needed _something_ to distract him, besides the whiskey, that is.

Crowley scanned the seeds, the machine beeped, and he placed the packet down next to the apples.

_“Please place item in bagging area.”_

“I... _have_... placed the item in the bagging area,” Crowley growled through gritted teeth.

_“Please place item in bagging area.”_

Crowley snatched up the seeds and forcefully pressed them down onto the metal surface.

_“Weight discrepancy in bagging area.”_

“Oh, I’ll show you a fucking weight discrepancy! How about _this_ , eh?”

Crowley flopped himself down into the bagging area, sitting on the metal surface and sending one of his apples rolling to the floor again and undoubtedly bruising it, but he was _so far_ past caring, ‘caring’ wouldn’t even have been visible if he’d turned around and searched for it using a telescope. He proudly opened his arms out to either side of him, and that’s when the man who had been waiting to use the self-service checkout behind him caught his eye. Crowley felt a slight rush of embarrassment as he realised his interaction with the machine had had an audience.

“Y’all right?” he asked casually, drawing his arms back into his sides but otherwise not moving. He’d been caught having an argument with a machine and then childishly sitting on it, there wasn’t really any way to recover the situation, so he might as well just own it.

“Yes, very well thank you,” the man replied, in a voice so calm and refined that Crowley probably should have found it grating, especially in his current mood, but he didn’t. It was kind of soothing.

_“Unexpected item in bagging area.”_

“Fuck off!” Crowley hissed, turning to the machine for a second before looking back up to the man, the red light flashing over his head like the demonic equivalent of a halo. There was no sign of the shop assistant; in fairness they probably weren’t paid enough to deal with this kind of bullshit.

“What appears to be the problem?” the man asked politely. Crowley looked him up and down. His hair was white-blond and fluffy like cotton, and his stormy blue eyes exuded calm and kindness. He was dressed like he’d just stepped out of a time machine from the nineteenth century, although his apparent familiarity with these blasted self-checkout machines suggested otherwise. Somehow the look suited him. His cheeks rounded as he gave Crowley a reassuring smile, and Crowley found the corners of his mouth involuntarily quirking upwards in return. The man clutched his own basket close to his stomach, full of everything someone could need for an evening spent doing nothing but baking.

“I just want to buy stuff and go home. Is that _really_ too much to ask? Tell me, honestly, do you think that’s unreasonable?” Crowley sighed.

“No, I shouldn’t think so.” The man stepped closer and smiled softly, holding his hand out towards Crowley. “Why don’t you come and stand here and I’ll see if I can do anything to help.”

Crowley wondered for a moment whether the man was patronising him. Maybe he thought he was insane, after all, he was literally sitting on a self-service checkout. But the man’s eyes were so warm and gentle, and Crowley decided there was a possibility he was just being kind. Crowley slid off the edge of the surface and took a deep breath, coming to stand beside the man.

_“Please return item to bagging area.”_

“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!”

“The apple, my dear. Allow me.”

For fuck’s sake, how much trouble could _one apple_ actually cause? The man retrieved the errant fruit from the ground, with Crowley only _briefly_ looking as he bent down, and placed it back down on the surface.

“You know what this is, don’t you? It’s incitement to commit cetacicide!”

“I’m sorry?”

“Dolphin murder! They claim they want you to use reusable bags but then they torture you until you give up completely.”

“Yes, they do make it rather difficult. It’s very good of you to care enough to endure it,” the man said sincerely.

“Mmmrrr... thanks.” Crowley squirmed. He was never very good at accepting praise, especially not from kind, attractive strangers. Ok, so apparently he’d decided the man was attractive... and he kept looking Crowley right in the eye with that serene, comforting expression, making something warm stir in Crowley’s chest amongst the ache of exhaustion and frustration.

_“Please place item in bagging area.”_

“Arrrrrhhh!”

Seriously, Armageddon could come, the whole human race could be wiped out, and this machine would probably still be here screeching its insipid, aggravating messages while a fuckload of cockroaches crawled all over it.

“The seeds, was it? They _are_ rather light. Let’s try this.” The man pulled a coin out of his pocket and picked the seeds up off the surface, placing them back down with the coin on top. The machine fell silent. “Ah, there we are.” He clapped his hands together gently in triumph.

“How many coins you got? I’m starting a herb garden,” Crowley explained, picking up the packets of basil, thyme and sage from his basket and waving them about in front of the man.

“Oh, how lovely!” he beamed, and Crowley squirmed some more.

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out another coin, enclosed it in his fist, and then waved his other hand over it. When he unclenched his fist, he had three coins in his palm. Crowley raised his eyebrow.

“Are you a magician?”

“Just a little sleight of hand. It’s a hobby.”

“Your magical powers are good enough to make this godforsaken machine work, though.” Crowley’s face felt weird. He scrubbed his hand over his cheek and realised he was actually _smiling_.

“Sometimes it just requires a delicate touch,” the man said softly with a quick glance up towards Crowley, temporarily taking over the job of scanning Crowley’s shopping and successfully persuading the machine to accept all of the packets of seeds.

“I have a delicate touch.”

“Oh, I’m sure you do.” The man flicked his gaze up to look into Crowley’s eyes again for a second, smiling and then dipping his head back down to look into Crowley’s basket. Crowley’s stomach flopped over. Ok, well, that was a thing. “I find a gentle approach to be best. A few kind words always seem to work wonders.”

“Kind words? It’s a _machine_.”

“And it’s doing a wonderful job... aren’t you?” he praised the till, patting the coin output tray gently with his hand. Crowley’s eyebrows climbed up his forehead. He wondered whether the man was even real or whether perhaps he’d passed out from a combination of fatigue and rage and this was all a hallucination. If not, he was actually standing in a supermarket talking to an incredibly handsome man who might possibly even have been flirting with him. Just in case, he really should do something about that.

“So, you like a gentle approach, do you?”

“Well, that depends on the circumstances.”

Crowley smirked and picked up his next item. A bunch of bananas. Unlike the apples, thankfully they had a sticker on them with a barcode, so he wouldn’t have to navigate through a million screens to try to find them. He scanned the barcode, but the till did not want to cooperate.

_“Unrecognised item.”_

“ _Please_!” Crowley begged, “I just want to go home!” He tried scanning the barcode again.

_“Unrecognised item.”_

“You don’t recognise _bananas_? _How_? What the hell are they putting in bananas these days?”

“Let me try,” the man suggested, taking the bananas from Crowley, their hands brushing together in the process, sparks of electricity igniting all over Crowley’s skin. “Come on now, I’m sure you know what bananas are, don’t you? You’ve been here a good while now. Let’s try this again.”

He carefully held the barcode against the scanner, and the machine bleeped.

“You’re not just a magician, you’re a miracle worker!”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” the man chuckled softly, and Crowley thought he could see a hint of a blush peppering his cheeks. “As I said, a gentle approach always seems to work well.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Crowley was able to scan his last few items without the machine throwing a tantrum, and when he’d paid for them, he was finally _allowed_ to transfer them to his cotton shopping bag, which he pulled back out of his pocket.

“Don’t forget your coins,” he said before he started to pack everything away.

“Oh, I already have them,” the man replied with a twinkle in his eye, opening his palm to reveal the coins. Sleight of hand indeed, he certainly did have nimble fingers...

“Stealthy. I’m impressed.” The man smiled at him, and Crowley couldn’t help but smile, intentionally this time, in return. “I’m Crowley, by the way.”

He held out his hand, and the man shook it.

“Aziraphale.”

“Well, it’s all yours, _Aziraphale_. Big baking plans?” Crowley asked. He had his bag full of shopping, he could finally leave and go home, but he wasn’t ready for this conversation to end yet. His heart felt lighter just from spending a short time in the presence of this intriguing stranger.

“Oh, yes! I’m hosting a book launch at my shop on Saturday, I thought it would be nice to have some homemade cakes available for the customers.”

Crowley watched as Aziraphale began scanning one item after another without encountering any problems from the demonically-possessed self-service checkout machine.

“You run a bookshop?”

“Yes, I do,” the man brightened up even more, and in that moment Crowley could see himself visiting every bookshop in the area until he happened to stumble across this man again, even though he never actually read books. “Just around the corner, actually.” Excellent, at least that would help to narrow it down.

“Maybe I’ll stop by sometime.”

“You’d be most welcome.”

Terrific. That was encouraging. Crowley really should just say goodbye now, shouldn’t he? Instead, he felt like he was trapped in the man’s orbit, reluctant to break free, standing awkwardly beside him while he scanned his shopping.

“Well, thanks again for all your help. I really appreciate it. Sorry about the...” Crowley gestured vaguely towards the bagging area, now covered with flour, sugar, butter and various colours of icing. “It’s not been the best day. That was really nice of you to help me instead of just thinking I was crazy.”

“You really don’t need to thank me.”

“Well, you said kind words work wonders. Thought I’d give it a try,” Crowley winked, hoping it wasn’t a mistake. Aziraphale turned away slightly, focusing intently on a box of eggs that he retrieved from his basket and passed over the barcode scanner. He cleared his throat, but still didn’t look up at Crowley when he spoke.

“What wonders are you trying to work?” he asked, his voice a little deeper than before.

“The café’s still open. I was hoping you might let me buy you a cup of tea to thank you. Maybe I could even tempt you into sharing a piece of cake?”

“I thought you were quite eager to get home?”

“Not so much anymore.”

“Well, in that case... temptation accomplished,” Aziraphale smiled, and that warmth in Crowley’s chest spread, his day from hell now completely forgotten.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this silly nonsense! :-)
> 
> I've got loads of work this month so probably going to have a break from writing for a while but I do still have about 6 WIPs that I will hopefully complete at some point!


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